Category Archives: Humor

Three Birds on a Wire

Three birds on a Wire.png
A teacher was helping her third-grade students with a math problem.
  After choosing a student in particular, she recited the following story:

“Billy, there are three birds sitting on a telephone wire.  A man with a gun shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?” 

The boy pauses. “None,” he replied thoughtfully. “No, no, no.  Let’s try again, maybe you didn’t hear me correctly,”the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers. 

“There are three birds sitting on a wire.  A man with a gun shoots one,” she puts down one finger, “how many birds are left on the wire?”

“None,” the boy says with authority.

 The teacher sighs.  “Tell me how you came up with that.” 

“It’s simple,” says the boy, “after the man shot one bird, the noise from the gun scared the other two away.” 

“Well,” she says, “that’s not technically correct, but I like the way you think.”

“Thanks,” chimes the boy, “now let me ask you a question.”  “Okay,” she said guardedly. 

“There are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles.  One woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle, and one is sucking the popsicle.  Which one is married?” he asked innocently.

 The teacher looked at the boy’s angelic face and writhed in agony, turning three shades of red. 

“C’mon,” the boy said impatiently, “which one is it, the one licking the popsicle, the one biting it, or the one sucking it?  Which one is married?”

“Well, uh,” she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, “the one who’s sucking?”

“Naw,” he says with surprise, “the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think.”

A Priest and Nun in Winter

Nun and Priest.jpg

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they
came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to
sleep.

There was a stack of blankets in the corner and a sleeping bag on
the floor but only one bed.  Being a gentleman, the priest said,
“Sister, you sleep on the bed.  I’ll sleep on the floor in the
sleeping bag.”

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall
asleep, the nun said, “Father, I’m cold.”  He unzipped the sleeping
bag, got up, got a blanket and put it on her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started
to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, “Father, I’m
still very cold.”  He unzipped the bag, got up again, put
another blanket on her and got into his sleeping bag once again.

Just as his eyes closed, she said, “Father, I’m sooooo cold.”

This time, he remained there and said, “Sister, I have an idea.
We’re out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what
happened.  Let’s pretend we’re married.”

The nun purred, “That’s fine by me.”

To which the priest yelled back, “Get up and get your own stupid blanket!”

The Atheist

 

Girl reading book in airplane.jpg

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he tirned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just started to read a book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you like to talk about?”

Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“OK” she said. Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns ou a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to dicuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know crap?”

And then she went back to reading her book.

The Boy is a Genius

Boy with money
The Boy is a Genius

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?’ said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

Drastic Measures to Save a Marriage or is it?

Older couple on the phone.jpgDrastic Measures to Save a Marriage or is it?  

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister who explodes on the phone.

“They’er not getting divorced if I have anything to do about it,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

She call Phoenix immediatly, and screams at the old man, “you are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife and says, “Okay, they’re coming for Thanksgiving… now what do we tell them for Christmas?”

Author Unknown

The Bagpiper

Pagpiper canstock.jpgThe Bagpiper

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of your life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a gravesside service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started  for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the worker say, “I never seen anything like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost …. it’s a man thing.

Author Unknown

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