Category Archives: Humor

The Outhouse

 Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. The family had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer and freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.

One day after a spring rain,  the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, “Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you wasn’t it son?” the boy answered it was. Then the he thought a moment and said, “dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn’t get in trouble because he told the truth.” The dad replied, “Well, son. George Washington”s father wasn’t in the cherry tree.”

Route 22

Sitting on the side of the highway with his radar gun, waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Tennessee State Police Officer sees a car puttering along a 22 mph. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” 

He turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, the officer observed that there were five old ladies- two in the front seat and three in the back———wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was going exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?” “Madam, “ the officer replied, “You weren’t speeding, but you should be aware that going slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman says proudly.

The State Police office, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit on this highway. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error. I’m really sorry, sir. I’ll pay better attention in the future.”

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute or two, Officer. We just got off Route 119.”

Dear Vincent

  

An old man wanted to plant a tomato garden, 
but it was difficult work, and his only son, 
Vincent, was in prison. The old man described 
the predicament in a letter:

“Dear Vincent,
Looks like there will be no tomatoes 
this year. I’m just too old to be digging. 
I wish you were here to dig it for me. 
Love Dad”

A week later, he received a response:

“Dear Dad,
Sorry I’m not there to help, but 
whatever you do, don’t dig up that 
garden. That’s where I buried the bodies. 
Love, Vincent”

Soon, FBI agents arrived and dug up the 
entire area. But they couldn’t find any bodies.
They apologized and left. the next day, the
old man received another letter:

“Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes
now, That’s the best I could do under 
the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie

Do You Know Who I Am?

Airplane.jpg

A crowded United flight was canceled. A crowed United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.”

The agent replied, “I’m sorry sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “Do you have any idea who I am?”

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

“May I have your attention please?” she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at gate 17 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17.”

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore “F*** you!”Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to stand in line for that, too.”

The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.

Author Unknown

The Romantic

Red rose
A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: “if you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying send me your tears. I love you!” The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: I am on the toilet please advise.

Pregnant 63 year old Woman?

Woman on Examination Table

A woman went to the Doctor’s office where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and told her to go relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, “ what’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”