Category Archives: Humor

Pregnant 63 year old Woman?

Woman on Examination Table

A woman went to the Doctor’s office where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and told her to go relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, “ what’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”

Your Duck is Dead

 

Duck1
Your Duck is Dead

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the emergency technician shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, cuddles has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?’

Yes I am sure. Your duck is dead, “replied the vet.

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”  

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He looked. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill “150!” she cried, “150 just to tell me my duck is dead!

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab report and the CAT scan, it’s now $150.”

Life Can Be Short

Airplane FlyingHis request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, “lets go”. the pilot taxied out swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, ‘fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.” Why?” asked the pilot. “Because I’m a photographer for CNN”, he responded, “and I need to get some close up shots for the News” The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, then finally he stammered. So what your telling me is… You’re NOT my flight instructor?” 

 

A SIGN POSTED IN A WHITING, INDIANA

Soldier at sunsetA SIGN POSTED IN A WHITING, INDIANA

BUSINESS FRONT WINDOW

‘WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH
1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH
ONE SINGLE AMERICAN SOLDIER!’

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Whiting, Indiana . You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.

And after all, it is just a sign.

You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign.

Answer: Owens Funeral Home

Who said FUNERAL DIRECTORS have no sense of humor!

You gotta love it!

God Bless America

 

What a Whit

Mahatma GandhiWhat A Whit

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, there was a professor, whose last name was Peters, who felt animosity for Gandhi, and because Gandhi never lowered his head towards him, their “arguments” were very common.

One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor, in his arrogance, said, “Mr Gandhi: you do not understand… a pig and a bird do not sit together to eat”, to which Gandhi replies, “You do not worry professor, I’ll fly away”, and he went and sat at another table.

Mr. Peters green of rage, decides to make revenge on the next test, but Gandhi responds brilliantly to all questions. Then, Mr. Peters asked him the following question, Mr Gandhi, if you are walking down the street and find a package, and within it there is a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money; which one do you take?”

Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, “the one with the money of course.”

Mr. Peters, smiling , said, “I, in  your place would have taken the wisdom, don’t you think?”

Each one takes what he doesn’t have”, responded Gandhi indifferently.

Mr. Peters, already hysterical, writes on the exam sheet the word “idiot” and gives it to Gandhi. Gandhi takes the exam sheet and sits down. A few minutes later, Gandhi goes to the professor and says, Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet but did not give the grade.

Author Unknown

A Story of Four Worms

worm in hand.png
A minister determined a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. For this demonstration, he watered his lawn in the evening, then when night time approached, visited his back yard with flashlight in hand.  He carefully selected four worms, night-crawlers to be exact.

The Four Worms were Placed into Four Separate Jars

The FIRST WORM was put into a container of alcohol.

The SECOND WORM was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The THIRD WORM was put into a container of chocolate.

The FOURTH WORM was put into a container of good clean soil.

What Happened to the Four Worms?

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The FIRST WORM in the jar with alcohol – was DEAD.

The SECOND WORM in the jar with cigarette smoke – was DEAD.

The THIRD WORM in the jar with chocolate – was DEAD.

The FOURTH WORM in the jar of good clean soil – was ALIVE!

So the Minister Asked the Congregation:

What can you learn from this demonstration?

From the back of the church, came the response:

“As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”

That pretty much ended the service . . .

Three Birds on a Wire

Three birds on a Wire.png
A teacher was helping her third-grade students with a math problem.
  After choosing a student in particular, she recited the following story:

“Billy, there are three birds sitting on a telephone wire.  A man with a gun shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?” 

The boy pauses. “None,” he replied thoughtfully. “No, no, no.  Let’s try again, maybe you didn’t hear me correctly,”the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers. 

“There are three birds sitting on a wire.  A man with a gun shoots one,” she puts down one finger, “how many birds are left on the wire?”

“None,” the boy says with authority.

 The teacher sighs.  “Tell me how you came up with that.” 

“It’s simple,” says the boy, “after the man shot one bird, the noise from the gun scared the other two away.” 

“Well,” she says, “that’s not technically correct, but I like the way you think.”

“Thanks,” chimes the boy, “now let me ask you a question.”  “Okay,” she said guardedly. 

“There are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles.  One woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle, and one is sucking the popsicle.  Which one is married?” he asked innocently.

 The teacher looked at the boy’s angelic face and writhed in agony, turning three shades of red. 

“C’mon,” the boy said impatiently, “which one is it, the one licking the popsicle, the one biting it, or the one sucking it?  Which one is married?”

“Well, uh,” she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, “the one who’s sucking?”

“Naw,” he says with surprise, “the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think.”