Category Archives: Humor

Farm Kid Joins the Marines

Dear Ma and Pa,
I am wel. I hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all the spaces are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 5 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No Hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, and bacon, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two boys that live on coffee. Their food , plus yours, holds you until noon when you get feed again. It is no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.

We go on “route marches,” which the platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell them different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The Sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughter. I keep getting metals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is nearly as big as a chipmunks head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there as comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. you get to wrestle with them boys. I don’t have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with the old bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordon from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he is 6’8″ and nearly 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter, Alice

Married For The Fourth Time at 80

The local news station was interviewing an 80 year old lady because she had gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be married again at 80, and then about her new husbands occupation.

He’s a funeral director, she answered.

Interesting the newsman thought… He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little bit about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came on her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when she was in her 40’s, and a preacher when in her 60’s, and now in her 80’s – a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go.

Nuts in the Graveyard

On the outskirts of town there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight and began dividing the nuts.

“One for you, one for me, One for you, one for me” said one boy.

Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery, and he slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.” He just knew what it was. “Oh, my,” he shuddered, “it’s Satan and the Lord dividing souls at the cemetery.”

He Jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. “Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard. “Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.” The man said, “Beat it kid, can’t you it’s hard for me to walk?” When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence, they heard, One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.” The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been telling the truth. Let’s see if we can see the devil himself.” Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet we’re still unable to see anything. The. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That’s all. Now let’s go get the nuts by the fence, and we’ll be done.”

Letter From a Cajun Mother

Dear son, 

Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I am writing this letter slowly because I know you can’t read fast. You won’t know the house when you come home; we have moved.

About your father; He has a lovely job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting grass at the cemetery.

There was a washing machine in the new house when we moved in, but it isn’t working to good. Last week, I put 14 shirts in to it, pulled the chain and I haven’t seen the shirts since.

Your sister Mary had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out if it’s a boy or girl, so I don’t know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle Tom drown last week in a vat of whiskey. Some of his co-workers dived into save him, but he fought them bravely: We cremated the body, and it took 3 days to put the fire out.

Your Father didn’t have much to drink at Christmas. I put a bottle of castor oil in his pint of beer. It kept him going till New Years Day.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and your Father came with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to open it for 10 minutes. Your Father offered to buy it from him.

It only rained twice this week, first for 3 days then for 4 days. Monday it was so windy, one of our chickens laid the same egg four times.

We received a letter yesterday from the undertaker. He said if the last installment wasn’t paid on your grandmother within seven days up she comes.

Your loving Mother,

P.S. I was going to send you $10.00 but I had already sealed the envelope.

Preacher is Dying

An old preacher who is dying sent a message for his banker and his lawyer “both church members” to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on on each side of the bed.

The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the banker and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly like either one of them.

They both remembered his long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and selfish behavior that made them squirm in their seats. Finally, the banker said, “preacher, why did you ask us to come?’ The old preacher mustered up the strength and then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves and that’s how I want to go. 

The Outhouse

 Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. The family had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer and freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.

One day after a spring rain,  the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, “Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you wasn’t it son?” the boy answered it was. Then the he thought a moment and said, “dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn’t get in trouble because he told the truth.” The dad replied, “Well, son. George Washington”s father wasn’t in the cherry tree.”

Route 22

Sitting on the side of the highway with his radar gun, waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Tennessee State Police Officer sees a car puttering along a 22 mph. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” 

He turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, the officer observed that there were five old ladies- two in the front seat and three in the back———wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was going exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?” “Madam, “ the officer replied, “You weren’t speeding, but you should be aware that going slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman says proudly.

The State Police office, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit on this highway. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error. I’m really sorry, sir. I’ll pay better attention in the future.”

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute or two, Officer. We just got off Route 119.”

Dear Vincent

  

An old man wanted to plant a tomato garden, 
but it was difficult work, and his only son, 
Vincent, was in prison. The old man described 
the predicament in a letter:

“Dear Vincent,
Looks like there will be no tomatoes 
this year. I’m just too old to be digging. 
I wish you were here to dig it for me. 
Love Dad”

A week later, he received a response:

“Dear Dad,
Sorry I’m not there to help, but 
whatever you do, don’t dig up that 
garden. That’s where I buried the bodies. 
Love, Vincent”

Soon, FBI agents arrived and dug up the 
entire area. But they couldn’t find any bodies.
They apologized and left. the next day, the
old man received another letter:

“Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes
now, That’s the best I could do under 
the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie