Category Archives: Humor

What a Whit

Mahatma GandhiWhat A Whit

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, there was a professor, whose last name was Peters, who felt animosity for Gandhi, and because Gandhi never lowered his head towards him, their “arguments” were very common.

One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor, in his arrogance, said, “Mr Gandhi: you do not understand… a pig and a bird do not sit together to eat”, to which Gandhi replies, “You do not worry professor, I’ll fly away”, and he went and sat at another table.

Mr. Peters green of rage, decides to make revenge on the next test, but Gandhi responds brilliantly to all questions. Then, Mr. Peters asked him the following question, Mr Gandhi, if you are walking down the street and find a package, and within it there is a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money; which one do you take?”

Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, “the one with the money of course.”

Mr. Peters, smiling , said, “I, in  your place would have taken the wisdom, don’t you think?”

Each one takes what he doesn’t have”, responded Gandhi indifferently.

Mr. Peters, already hysterical, writes on the exam sheet the word “idiot” and gives it to Gandhi. Gandhi takes the exam sheet and sits down. A few minutes later, Gandhi goes to the professor and says, Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet but did not give the grade.

Author Unknown

A Story of Four Worms

worm in hand.png
A minister determined a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. For this demonstration, he watered his lawn in the evening, then when night time approached, visited his back yard with flashlight in hand.  He carefully selected four worms, night-crawlers to be exact.

The Four Worms were Placed into Four Separate Jars

The FIRST WORM was put into a container of alcohol.

The SECOND WORM was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The THIRD WORM was put into a container of chocolate.

The FOURTH WORM was put into a container of good clean soil.

What Happened to the Four Worms?

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The FIRST WORM in the jar with alcohol – was DEAD.

The SECOND WORM in the jar with cigarette smoke – was DEAD.

The THIRD WORM in the jar with chocolate – was DEAD.

The FOURTH WORM in the jar of good clean soil – was ALIVE!

So the Minister Asked the Congregation:

What can you learn from this demonstration?

From the back of the church, came the response:

“As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”

That pretty much ended the service . . .

Three Birds on a Wire

Three birds on a Wire.png
A teacher was helping her third-grade students with a math problem.
  After choosing a student in particular, she recited the following story:

“Billy, there are three birds sitting on a telephone wire.  A man with a gun shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?” 

The boy pauses. “None,” he replied thoughtfully. “No, no, no.  Let’s try again, maybe you didn’t hear me correctly,”the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers. 

“There are three birds sitting on a wire.  A man with a gun shoots one,” she puts down one finger, “how many birds are left on the wire?”

“None,” the boy says with authority.

 The teacher sighs.  “Tell me how you came up with that.” 

“It’s simple,” says the boy, “after the man shot one bird, the noise from the gun scared the other two away.” 

“Well,” she says, “that’s not technically correct, but I like the way you think.”

“Thanks,” chimes the boy, “now let me ask you a question.”  “Okay,” she said guardedly. 

“There are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles.  One woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle, and one is sucking the popsicle.  Which one is married?” he asked innocently.

 The teacher looked at the boy’s angelic face and writhed in agony, turning three shades of red. 

“C’mon,” the boy said impatiently, “which one is it, the one licking the popsicle, the one biting it, or the one sucking it?  Which one is married?”

“Well, uh,” she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, “the one who’s sucking?”

“Naw,” he says with surprise, “the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think.”

A Priest and Nun in Winter

Nun and Priest.jpg

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they
came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to
sleep.

There was a stack of blankets in the corner and a sleeping bag on
the floor but only one bed.  Being a gentleman, the priest said,
“Sister, you sleep on the bed.  I’ll sleep on the floor in the
sleeping bag.”

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall
asleep, the nun said, “Father, I’m cold.”  He unzipped the sleeping
bag, got up, got a blanket and put it on her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started
to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, “Father, I’m
still very cold.”  He unzipped the bag, got up again, put
another blanket on her and got into his sleeping bag once again.

Just as his eyes closed, she said, “Father, I’m sooooo cold.”

This time, he remained there and said, “Sister, I have an idea.
We’re out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what
happened.  Let’s pretend we’re married.”

The nun purred, “That’s fine by me.”

To which the priest yelled back, “Get up and get your own stupid blanket!”

The Atheist

 

Girl reading book in airplane.jpg

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he tirned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just started to read a book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you like to talk about?”

Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“OK” she said. Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns ou a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to dicuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know crap?”

And then she went back to reading her book.

The Boy is a Genius

Boy with money
The Boy is a Genius

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?’ said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”