Category Archives: Humor

The Bagpiper

The Bagpiper

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of your life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a gravesside service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started  for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the worker say, “I never seen anything like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost …. it’s a man thing.

Author Unknown

A Picture Is Worth a 1000 Words.

A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento.

The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if passengers wanted to get off the plane they would re-board in 45 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.

A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her guide dod lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight. He could also tell she had flown this very flight  before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, “Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour, would you like to get off and stretch your legs?”

The blind lady said, “No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.”

All the people in the gate area came to a complete stand still when they looked up and saw a pilot walk off the plane with a guide dog for the blind! Even worse, the pilot was wearing sunglasses!

People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

The moral of the story: Even though a picture is worth a thousand words, never assume you know the whole story. 

Cowboy’s Reincarnation

“What is reincarnation?” A cowboy asked his friend.

“Well it starts” His old pal told him, “when your life comes to an end.”

They wash your face, and comb your hair, and clean your finger nails.

Then they stick you in a padded box, away for life’s travails.

Next, the box and you go in a hole that’s been dug in the ground.

It’s then that reincarnation starts, when your planted neath that mound.

The clods melt down, as does the box, and you who are inside.

And now you’re well into your transformation ride.

In a while the grass will grow upon that rendered mound,

and then one day upon that spot a lone  flower will be found.

And maybe a horse will wander by and graze upon that flower,

that once was you and has now become your vegatative bower.

Well, the flower eaten by the horse along with other feed

makes bone, and fat and muscle essential to the steed.

But there’s a part that he can’t use, and so it passes through,

and lies there on the ground, this thing that once was you.

And if by chance, I happen by and see this on the ground,

i’ll pause a while and ponder on this object I have found.

I’ll think of reincarnation and life and death and such,

and go away concluding, heck, you haven’t changed that much.

By Wallace McRae

Edited by Leon Ripplinger

A Nun and Some Warm Milk

In a convent in Ireland, the 96-year-old Mother Superior lay dying.The Nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she declined.One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. 

Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior’s bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

“Mother,” the nuns asked earnestly, “Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us.”She raised herself up slowly in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:

“Whatever you do, DON’T SELL THAT COW.”

The Old Lady and the Bank Teller

This old lady handed her bank card to the teller and said “I would like to withdraw $10”. The teller told her “for withdrawals less than $100, please use the ATM.

The old lady wanted to know why… The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her “these are the rules, please leave if there is no further matter. There is a line of customers behind you”.

The old lady remained silent for a few seconds and handed her card back to the teller and said “please help me withdraw all the money I have.” The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her “you have $300,000 in your account but the bank doesn’t have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back again tomorrow?

The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller told her any amount up to $3000. “Well please let me have $3000 now.” The teller kindly handed $3000 very friendly and with a smile to her.

The old lady put $10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2990 back into her account.

The moral of this story is….

Don’t be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skill.

This Boy is a Genius

A young boy enters a barber shop…and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The Barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which one do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the Ice cream store.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

The Perfect Diet

A terribly overweight blonde woman goes to her doctor about her
weight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.  

“I want you to eat vegetables and grains for 2 days, then skip a 
day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.  The next time I see 
you, you will have lost at least 5 pounds.”

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 
20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my
instructions?”

The blonde nodded.  “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going 
to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?”
“No, from skipping.” 

My Name’s Joe

There once was a farmer whose wife had died and left him with three beautiful teenage daughters. Every weekend, when they went out on dates, the farmer would stand at the door with his shotgun, making it clear to their dates he wanted no trouble from them.

Another Saturday night came around.  About 7 p.m., there was a knock on the door.  He answered and the young man said,

“Hi, my name’s Joe.  I’m here for Flo.  I’m taking her to the show. Is she ready to go?”  The farmer thought he was a clever boy and wished them a good time.

A few minutes later, another knock was heard. A second boy appeared and said,

“Hi, I’m Eddie.  I’m here for Betty.  I’m taking her for spaghetti. I hope she’s ready.”  He thought that he must know Joe, but bade them off as well with his best wishes.

A few minutes after that, a third knock was heard.

“Hi, I’m Chuck…”  The farmer shot him.