Category Archives: Humor

Life Can be Short

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, “lets go”. the pilot taxied out swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, ‘fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.” Why?” asked the pilot. “Because I’m a photographer for CNN”, he responded, “and I need to get some close up shots for the News” The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, then finally he stammered. So what your telling me is… You’re NOT my flight instructor?”

Who Says You Can’t Take it With You?

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved  all of his money.

He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife,” Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. Because I want to take all my money to the after life.”

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well one day he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to their best friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said “Wait A Minute!”

She had a shoebox with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away.

Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man.”

She said, ” Yes, I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”

“You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?”

“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.”

http://thefunnybeaver.com

 

The Bagpiper

The Bagpiper

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of your life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a gravesside service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started  for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the worker say, “I never seen anything like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost …. it’s a man thing.

Author Unknown

A Picture Is Worth a 1000 Words.

A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento.

The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if passengers wanted to get off the plane they would re-board in 45 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.

A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her guide dod lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight. He could also tell she had flown this very flight  before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, “Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour, would you like to get off and stretch your legs?”

The blind lady said, “No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.”

All the people in the gate area came to a complete stand still when they looked up and saw a pilot walk off the plane with a guide dog for the blind! Even worse, the pilot was wearing sunglasses!

People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

The moral of the story: Even though a picture is worth a thousand words, never assume you know the whole story. 

Cowboy’s Reincarnation

“What is reincarnation?” A cowboy asked his friend.

“Well it starts” His old pal told him, “when your life comes to an end.”

They wash your face, and comb your hair, and clean your finger nails.

Then they stick you in a padded box, away for life’s travails.

Next, the box and you go in a hole that’s been dug in the ground.

It’s then that reincarnation starts, when your planted neath that mound.

The clods melt down, as does the box, and you who are inside.

And now you’re well into your transformation ride.

In a while the grass will grow upon that rendered mound,

and then one day upon that spot a lone  flower will be found.

And maybe a horse will wander by and graze upon that flower,

that once was you and has now become your vegatative bower.

Well, the flower eaten by the horse along with other feed

makes bone, and fat and muscle essential to the steed.

But there’s a part that he can’t use, and so it passes through,

and lies there on the ground, this thing that once was you.

And if by chance, I happen by and see this on the ground,

i’ll pause a while and ponder on this object I have found.

I’ll think of reincarnation and life and death and such,

and go away concluding, heck, you haven’t changed that much.

By Wallace McRae

Edited by Leon Ripplinger