I love my wife deeply. I still enjoy a little irreverent humor. This joke came from my mom who was in love with my dad for 60 years until my dads death two years ago.
The other day I got a phone call from a telemarketer. The guy was trying to sell me frankincense. I really didn’t want it though, so I told him I didn’t want to buy any. He probably suspected I was going to hang up, so he quickly said, “But wait, there’s myrrh!”
A crowded United flight was canceled. A crowed United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.”
The agent replied, “I’m sorry sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “Do you have any idea who I am?”
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.
“May I have your attention please?” she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at gate 17 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17.”
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore “F*** you!”Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to stand in line for that, too.”
The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.
A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: “if you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying send me your tears. I love you!” The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: I am on the toilet please advise.
A woman went to the Doctor’s office where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and told her to go relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, “ what’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”
I Don’t have gray hair.
I have “wisdom highlights.”
I’m just very wise.
When I was a child I thought
Nap Time was a punishment.
Now, as a grown up, It just
feels like a small vacation.
Your Duck is Dead
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the emergency technician shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, cuddles has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?’
Yes I am sure. Your duck is dead, “replied the vet.
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He looked. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably a dead duck.”
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill “150!” she cried, “150 just to tell me my duck is dead!
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab report and the CAT scan, it’s now $150.”
His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, “lets go”. the pilot taxied out swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, ‘fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.” Why?” asked the pilot. “Because I’m a photographer for CNN”, he responded, “and I need to get some close up shots for the News” The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, then finally he stammered. So what your telling me is… You’re NOT my flight instructor?”
A SIGN POSTED IN A WHITING, INDIANA
BUSINESS FRONT WINDOW
‘WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH
1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH
ONE SINGLE AMERICAN SOLDIER!’
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Whiting, Indiana . You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.
And after all, it is just a sign.
You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign.
Answer: Owens Funeral Home
Who said FUNERAL DIRECTORS have no sense of humor!
You gotta love it!
God Bless America