Category Archives: Humor

The Boy is a Genius

Boy with money
The Boy is a Genius

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?’ said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

Drastic Measures to Save a Marriage or is it?

Older couple on the phone.jpgDrastic Measures to Save a Marriage or is it?  

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister who explodes on the phone.

“They’er not getting divorced if I have anything to do about it,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

She call Phoenix immediatly, and screams at the old man, “you are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife and says, “Okay, they’re coming for Thanksgiving… now what do we tell them for Christmas?”

Author Unknown

The Bagpiper

Pagpiper canstock.jpgThe Bagpiper

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of your life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a gravesside service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started  for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the worker say, “I never seen anything like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost …. it’s a man thing.

Author Unknown

The Real Pyramid Scheme

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The First to Break the Silence

Man and Woman mad at each other.jpgThe First to Break the Silence

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realizes that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. 

Furious, he was about to go see why his wife hadn’t wakend him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.” 

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Author Unknown

Potato Sack Exercises

Potato Sack.pngJust came across this exercise suggested for older adults, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I’d pass it on to some of my friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.

Each day, you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb sacks.

Eventually try to get to where you can lift a 25-lb sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level)

After you feel confident at this level put a potato in each of the sacks.

The last sentence tells it all…..Priceless!

Cowboy’s Reincarnation

Cowboy's Reincarnation“What is reincarnation?” A cowboy asked his friend.

“Well it starts” His old pal told him, “when your life comes to an end.”

They wash your face, and comb your hair, and clean your finger nails.

Then they stick you in a padded box, away for life’s travails.

Next, the box and you go in a hole that’s been dug in the ground.

It’s then that reincarnation starts, when your planted neath that mound.

The clods melt down, as does the box, and you who are inside.

And now you’re well into your transformation ride.

In a while the grass will grow upon that rendered mound,

and then one day upon that spot a lone  flower will be found. 

And maybe a horse will wander by and graze upon that flower,

that once was you and has now become your vegatative bower.

Well, the flower eaten by the horse along with other feed

makes bone, and fat and muscle essential to the steed.

But there’s a part that he can’t use, and so it passes through,

and lies there on the ground, this thing that once was you.

And if by chance, I happen by and see this on the ground,

i’ll pause a while and ponder on this object I have found.

I’ll think of reincarnation and life and death and such, 

and go away concluding, heck, you haven’t changed that much.

By Wallace McRae

Edited by Leon Ripplinger