When I think of forgiveness, I think of the story my Dad liked to tell about a wise Chinese sage who was known as the wisest old man in the village. There was a woman who was deeply offended by another woman in the village. She carried the hurt for days, replaying the words in her mind, letting them grow heavier each time she thought of them. Finally, she went to visit the wise sage and asked him what was the best way to hurt someone the most.

He said it was very simple. The first step was to be as kind and thoughtful as possible to the woman who had hurt her — every single day. Offer help. Speak gently. Show sincere interest. Then, he told her, in two weeks he would tell her what to do next.

Three weeks went by when the wise old sage saw the woman again. He asked, “Are you ready for the next step to hurt the person who offended you?” The woman paused and then quietly replied that she could never hurt the woman who had once offended her. She explained that over the past weeks something had changed. The anger had softened. The sharp edges of the offense had worn down. She said she could never hurt this woman because she had become her very best friend.

The wise sage smiled, for the lesson had already done its work. Sometimes forgiveness does not begin with feelings. It begins with action. When we choose kindness, even before our hearts feel ready, the heart often follows. When we serve others, it becomes much easier to forgive them and overlook their differences. In giving grace, we often receive it first.